Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Balance brought forward

Four years ago, I marked the completion of my 21st year of existence without much ado, but I vaguely remember being a bit excited about legally being considered an adult for all practical intents and purposes. Or perhaps it was just that everyone else was all excited and I am sure part of that excitement rubbed off on me too, but I already felt ‘grown up’ enough to despise the idea of a birthday party, because that seemed too childish and therefore too embarrassing to even consider.
But hitting 25 just four years later was different. Well, I am alone in a foreign land and nobody can hug you over the phone even if they wanted to. But its not just that - things have changed a lot... I have changed. I have no idea as to why I am blogging this, but it probably has a lot to do about the fact that I am just ‘me’ and I can’t help it.
Being 25, I realise perhaps for the first time that, I am not just ‘old enough’ to do anything, but sometimes ‘too old’ to do certain other things that I may never have had the chance to do… or never made use of the chances I had. I started taking stock of my life and the way I have lived it… wondering whether I should have been a bit more foolish at times… a bit more irresponsible and careless… a bit more rebellious… a bit more daring… perhaps also a bit more brave? Well, I guess it takes a brave person to wake up each day and face it with confidence, and you have to be brave to hold on to your course when others change their direction with the wind...
Looking back, I am proud of what I have done with my life so far and the way I've lived it. I probably won't change most if I got a chance to do it all over again, but I wonder whether a part of me regrets the fact that I didn’t make as many mistakes as I should have… taken chances without so much fearing their outcomes… wondering whether it would have been a tad better if I hadn’t been so focussed on living life the 'correct' way and dared to challenge my perceptions and beliefs a bit more. I always played it the way it was inscribed in ancient texts and was at times a misfit among those who embraced the version of 'modernity' that flowed out of American soap operas on TV.
Life has started to accelerate now and it will eventually catapult me into careers, mortgages, marriage, kids… as I battle to squeeze through time and space without as much time to stop and think as I would like to. Decisions have to be made in haste. My friends and I have all but lost the innocence of our childhood, each fighting for his or her place in a world where we have to win just to survive. The transition of best friends into adversaries may have started a few years ago, but the process is nearing completion now and only a few remain friends as we've always been, even as new ones come and go... a few of them might remain.
So I guess, when you turn 25, you just have to brace yourself for the future... close the accounts of gains and losses of the past and just carry the balance forward.

No comments: