Lovescope

Heed their words the stars they say
While the thorny game of love you play
Keep all your worries out at bay
On this blessed St. Valentine’s Day

It’s not the only day of the year
To attend and care for those who are dear
No matter if they are far or near
Love them each day and make it clear


Aquarius
The stars are all evenly spread out in the cosmos for you so there is nothing significant happening in your loveosphere. Looks like you will have to creep into that pitiable ‘bachelors party’ again and spend Valentine’s Day with the guys – watch a movie, grab some junk food, drink Cola, idle around town, go home and pretend that you had the best Valentines day ever. How could you possibly have all that fun if you had a girlfriend no?

Pisces
You broke up just before the big day – so what! I mean who cares? I don’t mean to be insensitive here but what were you thinking in the first place. That guy wasn’t going to stand around watching you complain about his faithful mountain bike and watch you compare him with your previous boyfriend who had a BMW! Get a life girl and learn to measure a guy’s worth by the diameter of his vehicles wheels... not the amount of leather in the seats!

Aries
I got bad news and worse news for you. Well… the bad news is that all the stars have deserted you this time. Yes… even Uranus… (Even though it is technically a planet) Looks like its going to be a long and lonely Valentine’s Day this time as well. Hey… wait a minute… I am not done with the worse news. The stars say however that your personal space will be invaded… by mosquitoes during nights and flies during the day. I do feel for you… too bad you were born into Aries, but hey, don’t blame me. I am just the messenger!

Taurus
Jupiter will be going out with Venus (lucky bugger!) and mars is stuttering to ask Pluto (yes… out of desperation), but you my friend better keep to yourself this time. Looks like you will have to wait till the moon is reunited with the sun (the next lunar eclipse or solar eclipse – whichever takes longer) before you can even hope to strike a romantic chord with anyone. If you disregard this advice, your relationships will break up within hours (that doesn’t mean you’ll turn into Britney Spears either)!

Gemini
The stars say that all the bad luck you have had in your romantic pursuits has something to do with your health. The stars are showing me your teeth… Hmm… let me think… Right! It is about your oral health and hygiene… I am sorry to put it so bluntly but you will have to go brush your teeth before that all important date – because your breath stinks! A proper bath wouldn’t hurt either. (Darn! I was never good at breaking bad news.)

Cancer
Your stars seem to be jumping the queue yet again... ahem… wait… no they are going on a merry-go-round. Mixed fortunes and misfortunes seem to be the order of the day. You like this guy but he likes your friend and your friend likes this other guy who happens to be his friend’s brother-in-law’s cousin. But that dim wit of a guy likes you, but you like this first guy who only likes your friend who likes his brother-in-law’s cousin… or was it nephew... Err… it’s a vicious circle this… life is!

Leo
Fine! You love the girl and she might like you too, but the stars don’t like your approach. You should win the family over before you can woo the girl you idiot! However, personally I would start by making friends with the dog first… then the family (once you are safe from the barking Rottweiler, you will have the peace of mind to deal with her father who has a shot-gun) and finally the girl. It’s a flawless strategy, but somehow that didn’t work for me the last time though… I mean I made friends with the dog, but nearly got shot by the father!

Virgo
You two are a match made in heaven I tell you. You are simply amazing together. But hey! You got to be out of your mind to give her that ruby ring for Valentine’s Day! Do you have any idea what she’s got for you? She made a cake for you… just a cake! (How cheap I’m telling you…) And out of all that love, she over-baked it. Its charcoal man! You can’t eat that. Here’s an idea… pretend that you are allergic to gluten and sneak it out to the Gemini’s… they could use some charcoal to clean their oral cavities.

Libra
Oh… having love trouble now are we? Everything was ok until Mars jumped on Pluto and ruined it all for you at this extremely critical moment in time. I know how you feel… but we can’t call the love doctor because the guy has volunteered to help out with the Tsunami victims in the south and east since they need more help! Never mind that, you got friends don’t you? You can count on them to make you feel… err… better… sometimes… if you know what I mean... err… you don’t? Never mind… just forget it! Things could be worse. Ask Aries if you don’t want to take my word for it.

Scorpio
Why are you looking so nervous? You look like Saturn when it caught the ring fever… ha haa… that wasn’t a pretty sight! Anyway, are you worried about asking her out? Oh, that’s a tricky business isn’t it? I don’t mean to make you more nervous, but she could turn you down even before you can ask her out you know. Swear to God; it happened to me once! Then again it doesn’t have to be the end of the world… even though it could well be if your friends find out about it. Get drunk on water. That will ease the nerves my friend!

Sagittarius
So you think your good looks and flashy dresses will get any guy you want to play around with and dump, all with the blink of an eye? You are just like the guy across the street who thinks his flashy sports car is a “chick magnet”. Well he is right… I mean the car is a “chick magnet”… just that he isn’t… and when he takes it to the mechanic, the mechanic gets all the girls! Have you ever considered going out with him? He’s a great guy you know… and you two make a great couple!

Capricorn
So you love her, but you are too afraid to tell her how you feel. But seriously, how is she ever going to know how you feel if you don’t tell her? Think she has telepathy ha? The stars are clueless too (they always look the other way and blink when they are clueless. See what I’m trying to say?). At best you could win her heart and live happily ever after. At worst she might slap you or set the dog on you. So why not give it a shot and see? But then again, it’s not that easy is it? (Running away from that mighty Doberman I mean…) Good luck!